Hiatus

This blog is a personal failure.

As a creature of habit, this blog was an evolution of my habit of keeping a journal. I’ve kept a physical journal since I was in 3rd grade. I still scrawl in a notebook sometimes because I find it therapeutic to see ink on paper. But as a child of the 90s I basically grew up with the internet and accessible/user-friendly technology. So at one point, I had I’ve used other blogging sites such as xanga, livejournal and vox. Another by product of being a 90s kid: I tend to follow trends as they appear…

But when I started this blog, I thought I had finally reached a point in my life where I had some stability and permanence. Yet (and its obvious if you look at how infrequently I’ve been posting), I find it more difficult to express myself on here. I’m wondering if any of this has to do with the fact that I’m anonymous on my blog. Or am I just more cautious about what I write because I’ve matured and become more image conscious? Is being image conscious a sign of maturity?

I look back on my old entries in my xanga and my physical journals and I notice that I can get a better grasp of who I am in those entries, even though I’ve grown so much since they were written. I was so carefree and didn’t hold back. I blogged as me, and I wasn’t anonymous. Some people might consider it impulsive and naïve to just bare my soul like that to the world. Looking back on that, I’ll admit that yes, it was very much so of me. But I soon learned that blogging and keeping a private journal are two completely different experiences.

I guess I initially got caught up in the rush of having strangers (or so I thought at the time) reading my thoughts and giving me feed back. It was a new form of socializing and interacting. It was a meeting of the minds! I could never get this rush from writing in a physical private journal because I was the only one that ever saw it. And I felt that blogging was also my way of rebelling against some of my Asian upbringing. My family wasn’t very traditional, however, they did hold on to that value that we should shut up about our problems and maintain the illusion that there is nothing wrong with us emotionally or mentally. Yeah…Asians and mental health is a whole other issue to address in another blog entry if I decide to continue on this blog… but anyway…

The reason why I stopped blogging for a couple of years was because there were some consequences of being so unabashedly open in my blogs. As it turned out some people got hurt or embarrassed by the things that I wrote about. While I never mentioned any names or advertised my blog, it would somehow get around to the wrong eyes. Or sometimes it would just get really weird when I would meet people for the first time, and they had already gotten a sense of who I was through reading my blog because it was linked through a mutual friend.

Of course, I’ve evolved from that awkwardness. Come to think of it, it’s amazing how much society has changed and how much smaller the world seems in this digital age with the advent of online social networking. But of course, at 15, when you’re still figuring out who you are and how to function in society it can get a little freaky. But even so, it’s good to proceed with caution and exert some responsibility over your own personal content. Let’s not forget the horror stories of people who got fired because some inappropriate pictures of them were discovered by their employers who stumbled upon their facebook or Myspace pages…

Hence when I started my blogger account I decided to be anonymous. I wanted to avoid the awkward situations I encountered in high school. I didn’t use names, and I embellished a few details so that the people and events I described and discussed couldn’t be traced back to me. Another reason for this anonymity is due to the fact that I’m not exactly out to everyone in my life. Then again, who is? Coming out is a continuous process, and unless you are blatantly obvious, you’ll always have to come out to every new individual that comes into your life. And sometimes even if you are blatantly obvious, some people still have no clue…but I digress.

The risks of blogging openly as me included getting found out by a cousin in Asia or by an old friend in high school that I never got around to coming out to (probably because I didn’t care to). And at the inception of my blog, I wasn’t out to my sister yet and we had a lot of mutual friends, some of whom I’m not out to. So imagine if one of them found out and confronted my sister about it... oh, and I also started dating once I came out, and it would’ve been embarrassing and awkward if any of the guys I dated stumbled across my blog and realized that I was talking about them in spite of the fact that I’ve omitted their names…

Thus, my fears and insecurities have crippled my ability to even connect with this blog. By remaining anonymous, I feel that I don’t reign over my ideas…I’m censoring myself so much or changing things and I just want to tell it like it is! But until I can let go of my inhibitions and reach that point in my life where I won’t care if anybody finds out that I’m gay…I guess this blog is on hiatus.

Climax and Aftermath (Part 2 of the end of me and Krys)

Here is part 2 of me and Krys's demise. It picks up right after I stormed in through the sliding balcony door:

I walked past Krys and the other guy and out the front door slamming it on the way. I figured I might as well let him know I was angry if I was gonna walk in on his little tryst of betrayal. I went down the elevator and left his building. Krys never came after me.

As I tried to make my way back to Borders, I collapsed on the sidewalk and started crying. I don’t know how long I sat there. Somehow I managed to pull myself together and decided to head back to my dorm. On the way I kept checking my phone to see if he had texted or called. He had not.

By the time I got back to my room I decided that I was not gonna put up with this transgression. It was the deal breaker and we were done. So I gathered up every little thing that he ever gave me and put them into a little blue chocolate box. I walked all the way back to his apartment and dropped them off at his front door. By that time, he and the accomplice had already abandoned the scene of the crime. And he still hadn’t called me.

I made it back to my room in a daze. I started some preliminary packing and did some laundry. As I was about to hop in the shower, I thought I heard a knock at my door. I went to get it. It was him.

I don’t know why this always happens, but I always fall apart at the sight of him after a major fight. Then again, I’m only basing this off one other major fight so I don’t know. But anyway, when I opened the door we just stared at each other for a moment and then I fell to my knees and broke down.

I had never felt so vulnerable in my life.

To make matters worse, he didn’t even comfort me right away.

“I don’t even know why you’re the one that’s crying,” he said. “First of all, what the hell were you doing on my balcony? You have no right to violate my privacy and I could press charges on you for breaking and entering.”

I couldn’t believe him. No apology from his end. I know what I had done was wrong too, but really now, how could he put the blame entirely on me? This would be perfectly understandable if I hadn’t caught him in bed with another guy, but the fact of the matter was that I did.

We never resolved things that night. He asked me if this was really the end. I told him I didn’t know. And that was all for the night. He left shortly after.

Web Site Story

In lieu of my insomnia, I entertained myself with the greatness that is the internet and came across this on collegehumor.com and thought I'd share:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I am such a sucker for musicals. Enjoy!

**UPDATE**

Ack! I didn't realize the video would be so big. Sorry >_< You can still watch it by clicking on the link.

Jury Doody...

It is a time honored duty as a citizen of this country to serve on a jury...

Whoever said that was full of sh*t.

So I have to report for jury doody in about 5 hours and I'm still up. So I figured I'd blog since I've been getting a bit negligent on here. This jury summon couldn't have come at a worst time. Well, thats what I said when I first got the summon back in March, and they originally wanted me to serve on a case back in May when I still had school. So I got it postponed till today. I wish I could've postponed it again, but I figure I might as well get this over with. If things go my way then hopefully I won't get selected. I've got too much going on this month. I start my volunteer shifts with Outfest this Friday (so excited!), I'll be working on a film in a couple of weeks, and then I'm off to Colorado for a conference.

But who knows, perhaps I can meet a cute guy at the courthouse. But the best I can hope for is good eye candy.

Wish me luck!

Betrayal and Inciting Incident (or Part 1 of me and Krys's break up)

I never did talk about what happened between me and Krys. It was too painful...

I once heard that when you can open up and speak about a painful and traumatic experience, then you’ve healed. I think this means that I’ve healed. Hopefully.

This happened a while back, but basically, things between Krys and I ended. On very bad terms. It’s a bit of a long dramatic story, so I’m gonna tell it in parts. Here’s part one of what happened:

The day before I went home for spring break, Krys and I had been hanging out during the day. Around dinnertime we went our separate ways because he had dinner plans with a friend. He told me he’d be back around 9 and to call him later. Later that night, I was at Borders for the midnight release of the Twilight DVD (I’m not a fan, I just wanted to be there for the hype and to see what kind of crazies would show up). I had called Krys earlier that night to see if he wanted to join me but he never picked up. However, Borders is about 3 blocks away from his apartment, so I decided to walk over to his place. And I thought, why not? He’s just right there and maybe he didn’t hear his phone.

I get to his place and I can see some lights flickering through the balcony door. Which I found odd… I started to get a bad vibe from what I was seeing, and I know that I probably shouldn’t have, but that night I was a man consumed by my suspicions and paranoia—so I climbed up onto his balcony.

And there he was on the other side of the glass door. In bed with another guy. I quickly turned away and tried not to vomit. And I also tried not to cry. But worse yet, how was I gonna get down from his balcony?

You see, the thing about Krys’s balcony is that its easy to climb onto, but hard to get down from. Oh and I should also mention that Krys shares a one bedroom with 2 other roommates, and his bed is in the living room which is right by the balcony door. Anyway, so my options were to either jump from 15 feet above the ground or go through the door. It was a no win situation. The former was physically dangerous and with the latter I risked emotional damage. But I figured that I’d rather deal with a broken heart then broken legs. So I slid the sliding glass door apart and stormed in…

I Did It For Love...

I finally found a full music video for BoA's new single, "I Did It For Love". I hope it doesn't get taken down.


The song basically describes all the sh*t I went through with Krys. More to come soon, so stay posted.

Kiss and Make Up

I’m long overdue for an update. I had midterms last week so that pretty much occupied most of my spare time.

So...things have improved somewhat between Krys and I. We’ve kissed and made up.

I’m gonna pick up the story from that day he went to get his STD testing. After he was done getting tested, we decided to walk back to his apartment together and talk. I basically told him that I was upset because he wasn’t honest with me right from the start. He was the one who decided that we were exclusively dating, and if he didn’t want to exclusively date anymore, I would’ve been okay with it (okay, I lie— I want him for myself) but I would’ve wanted him to talk to me about it first. So can I be blamed for feeling led on and deceived?

Anyway, our talk evolved into an argument by the time we got back to his apartment and then it got kinda physical. We started wrestling each other on the bed, on the floor...and then finally I just gave up and let him pin me down. We were both breathing heavily as we gazed furiously into each other’s eyes. And then he leaned down and started kissing my neck. Then, while still pinning my arms over my head, he leaned down and lifted the front of my shirt with his teeth and started sucking on my nipples. And before I knew it both our clothes came off and we started making out. We eventually got up and hopped in the shower, where we continued to make out.

Needless to say yet I’m gonna say it anyways: we’ve kissed and made up.

But at the same time, I still feel somewhat sad because I do want to pursue a relationship with him... I really like him and I want him to be the one. But for now I’ll have to settle with just being a lover...

Waiting...

I'm sitting in the waiting room at the campus student wellness center. Krys is getting his HIV test right now... I'm sure it will be fine. I hope it will be fine. 

I'm still hurting. And so much has happened this past week. I still can't believe how drastically things have changed in just a few days. How did I go from spending every night with him last week to being on the brink of tears at the thought or sight of him?

A Private Funeral For A Piece Of My Heart

I feel like a small part of me died tonight…

I’ve never felt like this before and it hurts so bad. I don’t need to state the obvious, but Krys and I are no longer pursuing a romantic relationship. And right now I don’t even know where we stand as friends…

After his last class today we met up in private quarters of the Queer Student Center and we continued our conversation from last night. He had read my last few entries and wanted to talk about it. It was basically a more in depth analysis of our feelings and whatnot and about how we wanted to proceed. I guess we never really made it clear last night whether or not we were still exclusively dating. So we discussed that further earlier tonight. We carried on the conversation over dinner and I essentially got him to admit and confirm what I already knew deep down all along. And what I was afraid to admit to myself. But basically, I asked him what he really wanted at this point, because he couldn’t give me a straight answer. And then he finally said it. He didn’t want a relationship at this point and he wanted to date around.

I don’t know why he couldn’t have just told me that in the first place. I found it easier to talk to him once I knew that, and I instantly felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I think it was the not knowing where our future stood that really bothered me. But I could deal with us being friends at least. So after dinner we went back to my room and he proceeded to study while I went off to my floor meeting.

When I came back I found that he had cleaned my room. It took me by surprise but it was a pleasant surprise. I got on my bed and was about to start on my own work, but then I noticed him giving me his puppy eyed look. I stared back. I don’t know how long we stared. And then I said,

“This is gonna be harder than we thought, huh?”

I was referring to the whole us being friends thing. Then he asked,

“Do you want me to go?”

“It’s up to you.”

He stared at his laptop for a bit, and then he unplugged it and turned it off. He started to pack up his things.

“Wait, you’re leaving?” He gave me a sad look in response.

I decided to walk him out then. I followed him out and gave him a hug and just held him. When I released my embrace he stepped back and pierced me with his eyes.

“I’m no use to you anymore,” he said.

“What? What do you mean?”

“I’m no use to you anymore. I can sense it. You don’t need me. You just kicked me out of your room.”

“I didn’t kick you out of my room!” I protested. He made his way down the stairs and I grabbed on to him.

“Krys, wait! Can we not leave things like this? Can’t we end things on a good note?”
He stared at me, and then he turned his back on me and continued walking down the stairs and out of my sight. He never looked back…

And now, I don’t know what to do…

Oh gawd I’m crying softly now at this point. I’ve tried calling him but he won’t pick up my calls. *sigh* I know I’ve mentioned here that I try to live my life without regrets. Well I’m a hypocrite. I do have regrets. And right now, I’m regretting that I never told him I loved him, even though he already knew…

Ouch — Part 2

Get ready for part 2.

Sunday morning I finally decided to roll out of bed after a night of tossing and turning and overall sleep deprivation. First thing I did was get on Facebook, where I discovered that Krystjan had updated his status to say that he was “done with life.”

Naturally I was worried. I mean, I knew he felt bad for what he did, and I knew he was sincerely sorry, but geez. So I texted him, asking him if he was busy later that night and if he wanted to meet up. An hour later, he responded with an emo text, saying that he’d be engaged in a self hating session. Under normal circumstances I would have been quite annoyed with a text like this, but given the gravity of the situation I was concerned. I tried calling him but he never picked up.

I went on with my day— doing laundry, catching up with my mom, and packing my stuff to get back to campus. He never returned any of my calls. I sent him one last text before I left home, letting him know that I was on my way back to Westwood and that I’d call him when I got back.

I got back, and unpacked, and called him. He didn’t pick up. At this point, I was enraged. My thought process last night was basically this: I understood that he messed up, but I wanted him to face me, not avoid me. I wanted to work this out, why was he throwing this away already? I decided to walk to his apartment, regardless of whether he knew I was coming or not. It takes about 20-30 minutes to walk from the Hill to Krys’s apartment, so I had plenty of time to think. I thought about what I’d when I got there. These were some of the scenarios I came up with:

1.) If he was there and opened the door, I was gonna slap him the moment I saw him and cuss him out for being a coward and avoiding me.

2.) If he was there and didn’t open the door, I was gonna kick the door down (I’ve done it before and I used to do Tae Kwon Do so I can definitely do it should the need arise), then slap him, then cuss him out for being a coward and avoiding me.

3.) If he wasn’t there, I would wait outside for as long as it took for him to come back.

4.) If he wasn’t there, I would kick down the door and trash his apartment.

Thankfully none of these scenarios played out. When I got there, I knocked and some guy I hadn’t met before opened the door. Wait, I know that sounds bad, but let me explain: Krys had a new roommate moving in over the weekend, so the guy was either the new roommate or the new roommate’s brother or the new roommate’s friend (I forget which, it was all a blur at that moment) who had all accompanied the new roommate here to SoCal, in which they plan on exploring throughout this week. Anyway…

I ask the guy if Krys was there. He told me that he was sleeping. Apparently Krys had heard the knock because he appeared as I walked into the unlit apartment (everyone was sleeping and hungover). And the moment I saw him all my anger just faded away and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t stand. I think its safe to say that Krys knew why I was there, because he led me into his other roommate’s bedroom for some privacy, although we left the door open initially. He sat on the bed, and I just kinda stood there, or tried to. I really don’t know what was going on with me at that moment. All I remember was Krys asking me what was up, and then I asked if I could close the door. He nodded, and as I closed the door, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, and I just slumped to the floor with my head propped against the door. crying. Uncontrollably. And I was mortified because of it because 1.) I was crying, 2.) I was crying in front of Krys, and 3.) there were strangers in the living room who could probably hear all this. And I kept crying.

I felt Krys come up behind me and try to console me, but that only made me cry more. I think at that moment I was happy and mad and sad at the same time. I was happy because he was consoling me, I was mad for what he did and for him avoiding me all day, and I was sad that he kept asking me what was wrong, when it should’ve been so obvious. And then I blacked out.

Apparently I wasn’t gone for very long. I think I was just overwhelmed and exhausted from being so emotionally charged and then making that long walk to his apartment, and I just knocked out for a bit. He pulled me up when I came to and led me to the bed. I lied there and continued to cry. He brought me some water and then tea, and continued to console me. And then I was finally composed enough to talk and so we talked.

Midway through our conversation, his other roommate came back with his boyfriend, and Krys’s ex appeared. I later learned that he had been there the whole time and was sleeping in Krys’s bed which is why I didn’t notice him in the dark. The others were starting wake up at this point too. Why his ex was there, I don’t know and I don’t know if I want to know. What I do know is that the more I get to know his ex, the less I like him. And it was getting awkward having his ex’s presence in the room, so Krys ended up driving me back up to my room on the Hill, where we sat in the parking lot for about 20 more minutes and just talked some more. I told him about how I felt betrayed. How I was hurt. How my trust in him was shaken. And I told him how vulnerable I felt, and how I hated feeling that way (who does?). And then we proceeded to discuss where we wanted to go from that point.

We decided to slow things down a bit, and that I wouldn’t do anything physical with him until he got tested for HIV and other STDs. He agreed to it without complaint. And he did tell me that he had used a condom, but then again he was drunk…

And that was my weekend. Looking back on it, I can’t believe how crazy I was acting and just how surreal the whole experience was. I feel like this is the kind of thing that should only be happening on gay network television, yet it happened to me in real life. *sigh*

I hate what this has done to me and Krys. I mean, we were never official, but there was something there that was special (or so I thought) and now its damaged... I still care deeply for him, but like I said, my trust is shaken. It’s going to take some time for all this to heal I suppose, but such is life…

Be terrified, very terrified...

As an Asian American Studies major, I'm always on the lookout for racist, xenophobic, and ignorant sh*t in the media. I just discovered this article via angry asian man entitled, I Am Extremely Terrified of Chinese People. Here's a little taste of what you'll find when you read it:

"Historically, Chinese people have naturally wanted to bring destruction and great mayhem to all things American. Liberals will tell you lies and say this is not true and very extreme, but mark my words. Liberals want nothing more than to see a small population of American overran by billions of Asians. This is why they support abortion."

How ignorant can people get? It's sad that people still think like this in this day and age. I mean, with the advent of the internet, a lot of knowledge and good information can be spread much more quickly, but of course, so can ignorance and other bullsh*t. But why can't those dumb people broaden their horizons with the vast space of knowledge available through the web instead of narrowing them by spreading their hate and ignorance?

And to the author of that piece, Amber, I have this to say: Be terrified. Very terrified. B*tch.

Song of the Moment...

Amidst the events and the rain of this past weekend, I've really been feeling this song and the video. It's Aaliyah's "The One I Gave My Heart To".



It's one of my old favorites. And it pretty much sums up my feelings right now. Gosh its so weird to think that she's no longer with us. She was so beautiful and talented and had such a promising career. But yeah, enjoy the song and the video. There's even a scene that involves rain...

Ouch — Part 1

Last night, I went through the entire spectrum of human emotion in a mere 5 minutes. No, I am not bi-polar. Krystjan just really upset me on so many levels… *sigh* and its kind of symbolic that I’m writing all this as it’s raining right now. In fact, the rain has pretty much just been prophetically cliche and symbolic about this whole past weekend. It all started on Friday…

...I was hanging out with Krystjan— I had a few errands to run in the village and he offered to drive me so that I could stay dry. I was celebrating a friend’s 21st birthday that night out in Hollywood, and after that these friends would be taking me back home in Rowland Heights. While we were riding around he gets a phone call from a friend, inviting him to go to a party in WeHo. He explained to me that this friend was house sitting for this wealthy gay couple, and they owned a mansion in WeHo. This friend decided to throw a sex party there, since there were all these luxurious spare bedrooms and this insane bathroom with five shower heads...I’ll leave it up to your imagination what kind of things would go on in such a setting when alcohol and gay men are involved…

Now, Krystjan tells me that he’ll probably go to the pre-party for the free alcohol and not get involved in the sex after party. Now the thing is, Krystjan and I aren’t exactly boyfriends as of right now, so who am I to tell him that he can’t go to this party? I expressed my disapproval of the whole thing, but ultimately, it was up to him. After we finished running errands, we parted ways for the night, my last words to him that night being a friendly reminder to behave himself and be safe.

On Saturday, my parents were having their annual Chinese New Year party. Krystjan and a mutual friend of ours were going to stop by at some point during the party because they were going to be in the area celebrating another friend’s birthday. So early on in the party, Krystjan and Mutual Friend arrive, they eat, meet my parents (awkward seeing as how Krys and I are dating and I’m not out to my parents), mingle and then we all head up to my room for some privacy. Now of course, I was curious as to what transpired the previous night, and proceeded to find out. Before I go any further, let me just say that ignorance truly is bliss…

He told me that he did end up going to the after party. And he hooked up with someone. And when I say hook up, I don’t mean that they just jerked off together or sucked each other off. There was penetration involved (which to me is something very personal and intimate, and should only happen between people who really truly care and like each other). I don’t know why, but I pressed him for details. I had to know. And he gave them to me. It happened so fast. He was drunk. It didn’t mean anything. There was no emotional attachment. He regretted it. He wished I had been there. He was sorry. And I just smiled and nodded.

What could I say? I couldn’t have an outburst right there. First of all, Mutual Friend was there, and there was a family party going on downstairs. But Krys started to blush a bit, I guess from embarrassment. And then he stabbed me with an apology. It was sincere though, and I could see that right from the get go. But it still hurt. And I still smiled and stomached it. I told him that it was okay, that he shouldn’t regret what he did. And oddly enough, I kind of meant it, because I truly believe that if you make the decision to do something, don’t regret it. He got a bit teary eyed and kept apologizing. We hugged each other and gave each other a quick peck on the lips. Then he and Mutual Friend left shortly thereafter because they had another engagement to attend to later that evening. And I had to brave the rest of the evening with a smile on my face, acting like nothing was wrong, being the good host and hostess’ son, making sure everyone was having a good time. By the end of the evening I wanted to run into the street into oncoming traffic. To add insult to injury, my parents had been arguing all day prior to the party, and again once the party was over. My dad had gotten sh*tfaced during the party and my mom was pretty upset about having to put up with him and his drunken ways (not that he’s an alcoholic, but when he does get drunk, its pretty bad, and right now the old man has diabetes so he really shouldn’t be drinking much anyways…). So yeah, I was pretty devastated about the whole thing, and then to see my parents fight...I just felt like I was somehow turning out like my mom, having to put up with the stupidity of her man and all that drama… and I just really wanted to curl up into a ball and die (wow, what a lame and cliched emo line)...

But instead, I went off to see one of my best friends, who will be referred to as Therapist because he’s getting his PhD in Psych. I cried on his shoulder for a bit. Not as bad as I thought, but it was definitely therapeutic. I told him about what happened. I told him how I felt betrayed, hurt, and angry. Yet, I still really cared about Krys. He advised me to discuss this further with Krys before coming to a decision. I went home and couldn’t sleep. I tried to cry myself to sleep, but failed.

This is getting a bit long, so I’m going to continue the story later. Sleep beckons now and I have a class in about 4 hours.